on change & growing up.

About one year ago today, I had one of my favorite days ever. I went to church. I went to the local coffee shop and read, wrote, and prepared for class the next day. And then, I drove myself across town to Piedmont Park. I left my car there and walked from the pond, along The Beltline, and to Ponce City Market. I snapped pictures and smiled at the sky as I strode. I people-watched. I laughed. And I ate good food. AND–I listened to all my favorite songs. All by myself. I was alone the entire day and didn’t feel lonely once. I remember 10/1/17 so vividly. I even remember what I was wearing. It was such a perfect day.

Two weeks before that, I had a concussion.

The next day, there was a massacre in Las Vegas.

And a month from then, the first full draft of my honors thesis was due.

And two months from then, my graduate school applications were due.

I was drowning.

I remember being despondent. Outside of the first of October, the month wasn’t that great. The rest of the year wasn’t either. I cried often. I was stressed out. I didn’t feel like myself.

It’s been a year since then and I know now that October of 2017 was when I first started grappling with anxiety. I didn’t call it anxiety then but that’s what it was. Everything felt like too much. In one of my old journal entries from April of 2018, I wrote how I felt like “an anvil was going to fall on my head.” I had my first panic attack later that week.

I’ve learned how to manage it a little better. There are still days where I hide and cry, but they are fewer and further in between. I’m grateful for that.

I created this site in November of last year. I wanted to talk about what I was going through. It’s been about a year since then. I’m just now launching it today and I’m glad I waited. I feel like I have more valuable things to contribute to this world now, much more so than I did then. I’m trying to step up to my own standards and into my purpose. I don’t want to hide anymore.

So, here’s this site. I’m still working on it, but I’ve got a few things on here for you all to read. I hope you enjoy 🙂

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